All my life I have been doing a “balancing act”, trying to hold my life together so that it would work as I thought it should. Trying to hold together my image of how the world should be. I became aware of how I do this the summer (1997) when I drew an image with various shapes balancing on top of each other. The tension of holding and balancing, trying to keep the piece of my life in place, can only last for so long…

I was a participant in my second year in atria One as teacher trainer. During the course of the year I was aware of a persistent fear. The experience of fear never really left me. I struggled to put words on my experiences, they did not feel right, forced. When I did try to force words, I lost my experience, so I stopped. I was quiet. I listened and felt what was within. I stayed there and didn’t try and force words to come. In…

I experienced a pervasive fear in 1994/1995 year of Atira. Fear rose instantly when I perceived (real or imagined) that I made a mistake. The fear seemed to come on suddenly, taking over my experience. In reality, if I attended, fear was always present. Fear paralyzed me. I wallowed in a state of chaos, not knowing a way out. My fear of the fear, which I call scaring myself, exasperated the fear. I felt trapped. I described myself as having no voice—not hearing or seeing.…

“Bonding is not an ego function, which is to say its outcome cannot be foreordained by planning or willing, nor can it be guaranteed. Rather, bonding is a Spirit function. It occurs when Spirit moves. (p.7)” I want to be in control of the outcome. I believe that if I do the right thing, I can foreordain the outcome. I believe that I know what is good, right and decent. My notes from Atira II were filled with judgments of what makes people good and…

From my studies with Dr Evadne McNeil of the Atira Expressive Arts Process   “Bonding is not an ego function, which is to say its outcome cannot be foreordained by planning or willing, nor can it be guaranteed. Rather, bonding is a Spirit function. It occurs when Spirit moves. (p.7)” I want to be in control of the outcome. I believe that if I do the right thing, I can foreordain the outcome. I believe that I know what is good, right and decent. My…